My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
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You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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