Im at strip club and am horny
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
