I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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