as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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