I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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