Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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