This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
