I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
