I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
