Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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