I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I am one with the molecules
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
