I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
