I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
