I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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