does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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