it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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