this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
