WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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