I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
