I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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