overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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