My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
