glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did i walk over a car last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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