**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
