Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
