break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
