that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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