is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
