I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
