Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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