Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
