i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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