Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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