If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
