I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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