What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
