the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I looked at my own cervix.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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