her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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