Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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