Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
