mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
