My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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