new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Terrible idea I love it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
