Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
