And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
