I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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