I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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