i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
