you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
