Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think my moral compass just broke
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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