you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
