If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
