Got a toothbrush?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
