can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
