i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
