I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do